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Sometimes, I do what I don’t want to do. 

How about you? 

Have you ever been late when you promised to be on time?

Have you ever hit your ex with “👋🏽🍑🍆” weeks after you were done for good?

Have you ever eaten that Krispy Kreme days after your “New Year, New Me” post committing to eating right and losing them pesky love handles? 

Hi, my name is Johan and I’ve been guilty of all of those things. 

How about you? 

 

When I was 11 years old I made a commitment to myself.

I’m never going to drink, smoke, do drugs, or join a gang. Oh, and the first girl I have sex with I will be in love with. I chose all of this because I witnessed my uncle destroy his life with alcohol, drugs, gang banging, and womanizing. I was determined to not be like him. As I write this I can proudly say I stood firm on all of those commitments. I’ve never taken a sip of alcohol, never smoked, done drugs, joined a gang, and the first woman I had sex with I loved. However, that last part is incomplete. 

When I was 20 years old I made a commitment to my future wife. 

I vowed that I was going to wait for her. I committed to waiting until marriage to have sex. I wrote her a letter that I was going to read to her at our wedding and in that letter I said, “My love for you began even before we met.” That’s why I’m waiting, because I wanted to show her how much I loved her, even before we chose each other. 

But, sometimes I do what I don’t want to do. 

How about you?

And, as you already read. I ended up failing. I didn’t wait. Two years ago, I didn’t follow through on my commitment. Sure, I was able to honor my eleven-year-old self because I loved her. But, I wasn’t able to honor my twenty-year-old self or my future wife by waiting for my wedding day. 

 

Since then, my life has been a constant tug of war.

I set my intention, “I’m going to wait until marriage again. The Old Johan is back!” Back in the driver's seat, meet a girl I like, it goes well for a while and then I hear, “you don’t make enough money for me,” we break up and I wonder, why am I trying to do this? What’s the point? Maybe I’m not going to get married? Maybe I’m fooling myself? Then I do what I don’t want to do and throw in the towel.

I settle for the temporary instead of the eternal. 

I settle for the moment instead of the meaningful. 

I settle what’s in front of me instead of what’s ahead of me.

As I write this, I haven’t arrived. I haven’t exorcized this demon in my life yet. 

There are good days and bad. 

There are good months and bad.

Because, sometimes, sometimes I still do what I don’t want to do. 

How about you?

 

I got a chance to sit and talk about all this and more with my good friend @thekatharris who runs @therefinedwoman podcast. If you’re interested in listening to more of my story and hearing my breakdown on Naked Cuddling, click here.